


Underfist v. Irwin Family Reunion

by SteveAtwater



Series: SteveAtwater's Underfist Continuation [3]
Category: Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy
Genre: Also The Rest of Irwin's Family Is There But There Are No Tags For Them So Oh Well, Burns, But Grandmama Busts Out A Flamethrower, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Courtroom Drama, Deserves His Own Story, Gary the Bailiff, Gen, Hard G Soft T, Honestly I Think Stupidity Should Be A Required Tag For ANY Billy & Mandy Story Worth Its Salt, Humor, Making Fun Of The Judicial System? In My Underfist Story? It's More Likely Than You Think, Or At Least A Series of Vignettes, Or That's What You'd Think, Seriously He's Awesome, Stupidity, The Law is a Butt, This Just Proves I'm Excellent at Tagging, Underworld, Underworld Court, When She Starts Dishing Out Burns, more likely than you think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-06-09
Packaged: 2020-03-20 03:59:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18984811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteveAtwater/pseuds/SteveAtwater
Summary: They've faced down an evil marshmallow bunny, squid attackers from the underworld,aSTRoVaMPiReS, andspiders. They've grown close...er. They're accepted as Earth's heroes...kind of. But now, Underfist faces its greatest challenge yet...the judicial system!Rated G because it's essentially at the same level as canon. That said, The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy wasn't exactly squeaky-clean as a show, so there are some quasi-subtle dirty jokes. Basically a TV-Y7, or by Fanfiction.net guidelines a K+. All I'm saying is it's not hard enough to be rated T, but it's not quite a clean story.A NOTE ON THE KUDOS NUMBER: I'm 99% sure somebody's messing with me, because as I write this addition to the summary, there are currently 9 Kudos on the work even though only 8 people have viewed it. I don't know how (or why), but I suspect this is the work of one person leaving multiple Kudos somehow. In short, that number is likely inaccurate.





	1. The Judge

A lot of lives have passed before me. Well, not life-lives. None of those. Okay, some of those, but mostly not–it's hard to explain. What am I even trying to explain it to you for anyway? You don't care about the lives of these people, why they came in front of me, why I made the decisions I did! Well, maybe you do, and that's why you're here. You want to hear about the lives of some people as they stood before me and demanded that I look deep within and find the truth!

Or, you know, figure out which lawyer was lying less. Or keep the plaintiff and defendant from eating each other. Or officiate a wedding. The point is, I have seen a lot in my time in the underworld. Murderers, mass murderers, mass mass murderers, litterbugs, and Gary. He's the bailiff, usually, and he makes sure that none of those creeps touch me. Gary's pretty great. But you're not here to hear about Gary. That's a shame. Gary's got a lot of stories to tell. A  _lot_  of stories.

THE POINT IS, as the head judge–well, the only judge–which makes me the head judge–the only head judge–what was I talking about?

Oh! Right! As the judge–head judge–only head judge–you get the point. I have seen a  _lot_  of people pass before me. Some of them weren't even criminals! At least, as far as their case was concerned, they weren't criminals. Because really, everyone is guilty in the eyes of the law. Hey, you know, that's a great turn of phrase. I'll have to remember that and find a way to slip it in. That'll really put the fear of ol' Judge Spleen into some attorneys. And what's the point in being a judge if you can't terrify attorneys? You know, besides basically ruling your own fiefdom and being able to do whatever you want and pass judgement on anyone foolish enough to let themselves be dragged before you.

I keep getting off track. What I was  _trying_  to say is that I've seen many, many things in my time on the bench. Like that ghost who thought he could get away with turnstile hopping because he just ended up floating through the subway when it started moving anyway. Or that cat custody case between those two old ladies. Man, did  _that_  ever come back to bite me! I tell you, I shouldn't have–right. Staying on topic. The point is, the worst case I was ever involved in was also a custody case, but that one wasn't between two old ladies fighting over a cat. It was between two children fighting over the Grim Reaper.

I know, right? How do two kids get custody of the Grim Reaper? That's something I really wanted to find out, but it didn't get brought up. Instead, there were domestic squabbles, character assassinations, an ugly fat kid as a witness, and a musical number. You know, a mostly normal day at Underworld court, except for the ugly fat kid...and HIM.

He was  _the_  most annoying,  _the_  most idiotic,  _the_  most irritating monster I have EVER seen! Constantly asking to borrow my gavel, annoying the other jury members, asking for ballpark snacks–THIS IS A COURTROOM, NOT A BALLPARK! IF IT WAS A BALLPARK, I WOULD BE THE UMPIRE! AND I WOULD CALL BALLS AND STRIKES PERFECTLY! He was  _so_  very very annoying that when he asked for permission to make a poo, I GRANTED PERMISSION IMMEDIATELY! And then I made everybody rule on the case then and there so he wouldn't get a chance to make the case drag on and on and on and on and on, with me stuck trying to wrangle a verdict out of the jury and him driving me more and more insane from stress! I WENT BALD! And lost my vision in one eye, but that's not really important right now.

Then of course, because somehow the jury pool was composed entirely of idiots only slightly more intelligent than  _that_  guy, it ended up being a tied vote when one of them ate somebody voting the same way as her. Which meant that the fate of the custody battle rested on the shoulders of a complete moron  _who stole my gavel!_

I wasn't in good shape, so when the moron did moron things, I pretended it was genius, gave a verdict that would keep everyone from killing each other, and got them all out of my courtroom! I thought they'd never go away, but they did, and I could only hope that the idiot would never show up in the jury pool again so that I wouldn't have to deal with  _another_  court case involving his antics.

As it turned out, I should have been more specific. I should have  _know_ _n_  that with the increased bend towards litigation in every aspect of Underworld life that this idiot would end up back in my court, if not as a jury member then as a plaintiff or defendant! And so it came to pass that he  _did_  appear before me, and as I stared him down, sitting behind the defense desk, my heart soared, my hair grew back, and I regained my sight, for I knew,  _I knew_ _,_  that no matter what, Fred Fredburger would be off the streets and in jail very, very, very soon! There's no way the Underworld prosecutor could botch this one up again! I would finally make sure that Fred Fredburger would be unable to bother anybody for a long,  _long_  time! Well, anybody but prisoners, but who cares about them so long as I never have to see that idiot in my courtroom again!

Then I saw the fat ugly kid walk in with the prosecution along with Dracula and what I assume was the rest of his family. My stomach turned as I realized that I wouldn't be sending the idiot to jail. No, this was a  _civil_  case.

The thought of having to deal with Fred Fredburger throughout an entire trial was enough to send me into a cold sweat and cause all my hair to fall out. But it was my job, so I took a deep breath and got ready to deal with the case of...

* * *

**UNDERFIST v. IRWIN FAMILY REUNION**

* * *

_Underfist v. Irwin Family Reunion_? No no no, that's not right! Not right at all! The plaintiff always goes  _before_  the defendant! I was judging the case of...

* * *

**IRWIN FAMILY REUNION v.**   **UNDERFIST**

* * *

Wait, no, that just looks wrong. Every important court case has the big name in the back, like  _Brown v. Board of Education,_   _Janus v. American Federation of State, County, and Municipal Employees,_   _Lola v. Powerman and the Moneygoround,_  or  _Boogeyman v. Grim Reaper and the Board of Scythes._  Man, was that last one a waste of a TV movie. But the big name  _always_  goes in the rear! Always!

Fine. Whatever. Go back to the original, and let's get this party started! Or whatever you say about something like this...trainwreck? Horrifying situation? Stress-induced aneurysm? No, none of those really work. I think–wait! I've got it!

Go back to the original, and let's get this party started!

* * *

**UNDERFIST v. IRWIN FAMILY REUNION**


	2. The Lawyers

The Underworld courtroom was spic and span and ready for a new day of justice. The main part of the court, where all the action happened, was completely deserted. The stone floors, hewn from the finest gravestones, shone brightly underneath the light of hellfire–electric hellfire, specifically. The Underworld court had gotten rid of the regular fires a few years back due to protests over their excessive usage of biofuels, although their had been rumblings in the chambers of government that what was really being protested was the usage of bodies to fuel the flames–and given that the majority of protesters were the recently-deceased, these complaints appeared to have some basis in reality.

Despite the sedate nature of the court proper, the gallery was  _packed_. It was standing room only, or would have been had the maximum occupancy limit not already been reached. Despite the occasionally chaotic nature of the Underworld justice system (something heavily contributed to by the judge's mercurial nature), the maximum occupancy was strictly enforced by the bailiffs, who were authorized to use deadly force and dispose of the remains in whatever way they saw fit. Since the bailiffs were mostly composed of carnivorous monsters, this meant that very few dared to challenge their authority. (Those that did ended up saving the court the cost of breakfast for the bailiffs, so overall the system worked to perfection.)

Of course, while those on guard outside the courtroom were good at making sure nobody got in, order was much less strictly enforced inside the courtroom, mostly because there was only one bailiff and his job was to make sure neither the judge, the lawyers, the people embroiled in lawsuits, nor the jury attacked each other–unless, of course, it was funny. At the moment, Gary was preparing himself for another long day in court by eating all the toenuts in the break room, along with some creepy guy's turkey sandwich. Consequently, the crowded gallery was filled with chaos, with some enterprising individuals having taken the time to sneak in food carts, from which they were now selling to anybody who was willing to pay their inflated prices.

Suddenly, the doors were thrown open, and the room instantly fell silent. A family of nerds (and Dracula) walked in, making their way down the aisle and entering the main portion of the court. They took their seats behind the plaintiff's desk, ready for the case to begin.

The gallery continued to stay silent. Everybody there fixed their eyes on the doors, waiting for the defendants to arrive, but nothing happened for several minutes. Just when it seemed that this court case would be decided on the basis of the defendants not even bothering to show up for the trial, a giant fist punched through the roof.

As the roof of the court crumbled, falling all over the place, the index finger of the fist unfolded, and three figures tumbled out. The first one out was a skinny old bald man with one functioning eye, who landed hard on the floor of the courtroom. Before the old man could recover, another man landed on top of him. This one was tall, muscular, hairy, and wielding a chainsaw in place of his missing right hand. He grinned and reached out his left hand to catch the third member of his team: a short, squat, green elephant-duck thing.

"Yes!" Fred Fredburger cheered. "I love this place! Hey, can we get nachos?"

"No time, Franz!" Hoss Delgado declared. "We've got to win this court case!" He cast a glance around the courtroom. "Huh. I thought it would be up to our lawyer to get us out of this. Trial by monsters, huh? Well you monsters picked the wrong case, because Hoss Delgado is on the job!"

Hoss Delgado revved up his chainsaw. Beneath him, General Skarr grumbled something into the floor of the courtroom.

"What's that?" Hoss asked. "You'll have to speak up, I'm fighting monsters!"

General Skarr raised his head. "I said GET OFF ME!"

Hoss grinned sheepishly and hopped off of his teammate. Fred jumped out of Hoss's hand and landed on Skarr's back.

"You too!" Skarr demanded. "Everybody get off my back!"

Gary entered the courtroom, took in the scene before him, and groaned internally. He knew that he should have finished that gigantic turkey sandwich instead of just throwing it in the trash.

"All rise for the honorable Judge Roy Spleen," he buzzed.

The lights suddenly shut off. In the dark, Hoss leaned over to Fred.

"Where's Jerry and Emilio, anyway?" he whispered.

Fred paused, arm halfway up a nostril, and pointed to the defendants' bench with his free hand. Unfortunately, Hoss was unable to see where he was pointing due to the lights being off. This was swiftly remedied when they began strobing. Shortly thereafter, the room began to be flooded with fog, and a single spotlight shown steadily on the judge's bench, where Judge Roy Spleen rose out of the floor and into the spotlight. The house lights went off for a few seconds, leaving Judge Spleen as the only thing anybody could see. When they came back on, there was a refrigerator sitting behind the plaintiffs' desk.

Dick licked his lips. "Huh. Well I  _am_  hungry..."

"For the plaintiffs, Boogey," Gary buzzed.

The refrigerator exploded, revealing Boogey standing there with a smug grin on his face.

"Boogey?" Billy, Mandy, and Grim chorused from the audience.

"For the defendants, Jeff," Gary buzzed.

A ball of fire appeared out of nowhere.

"HELP ME!" the ball of fire screamed. "I'M ACTUALLY ON FIRE!"

Gary flew over with a fire extinguisher and put Jeff out. Jeff patted out a few stray flames and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Boogey!" Grim demanded. "What are you doing here?"

Boogey padded over to the gallery. "Why Grim, aren't you glad to see me? Your old friend, from middle school?"

"Nobody is  _ever_  happy to see you, Boogey," Grim said bitterly.

Boogey chuckled. "I'm sure my clients would disagree."

"What clients?" Grim asked angrily. "Last time I saw you–outside of a flashback–you were a complete nervous wreck! You were scared of everything! Even yourself! And trust me, you aren't dat scary."

Boogey grinned. "I got better."

"Hey," Mandy said flatly.

Boogey cast a glance her way. His eyes widened when he spotted her, and he backpedalled furiously, shrieking all the way before running into his desk, tripping over it, and landing in a crumpled heap on the other side. He quickly curled into the fetal position and began sucking his thumb.

"Well," Dick said uncomfortably. "That doesn't exactly fill me with confidence, dude."

Judy groaned in agreement.

"I'll be okay," Boogey said, voice trembling. "Just give me a few minutes."

The judge slammed his gavel down. Both Jeff and Boogey stood up instinctively. The judge shut his eyes and threw a rubber-tipped dart towards them. Boogey shrieked in fear and ducked, and the rubber dart embedded itself into Irwin's forehead.

"You guys go first," Judge Spleen declared. "Are you ready to call your first witness?"

Boogey nodded and took a deep breath before turning to the gallery.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered today to answer a very important question. A question of law and order, and also of order and law. We have come here to answer whether unprincipled vigilantes can be allowed to run roughshod over our lives without fear of prosecution, without fear of consequences, without fear of even a slap on the wrist! We are here to answer whether our enemies can avoid answering to the law! We do this in the hopes that the answer will be no, they cannot, they are subject to the same rules we are! And so, without further ado, I would like to call to the witness stand an enemy to us all: one Mr. Hoss Delgado!"


	3. Hoss Delgado

"WHAT?"

The shocked question came from the throats of everybody on the plaintiffs' side and several people on the defendants' side. Boogey just smirked.

"Objection!" Jeff called out. "He's supposed to be my witness!"

"That's...that's not a legitimate objection," the judge said. "Even I know that! Now which one of you is Hoss?"

Hoss slowly raised his hand.

"Get up here!" Judge Spleen demanded.

Hoss trudged up to the witness stand and took his seat in the chair. The chair splintered beneath him, and he stood up.

"So, Hoss, you were at the Irwin family reunion, correct?" Boogey asked smarmily.

Hoss stroked his chin. "The where?"

"You know, the family reunion," Boogey said.

"Listen, punk!" Hoss said angrily. "I don't  _have_  a family! They were all taken and eaten by–"

"Hoss!" an old lady called from the gallery. "Hoss! Are you pretending I'm dead again because you're ashamed of being forty-eight and still living with your mommy?"

Several monsters chuckled. Hoss grimaced.

"No, mommy," Hoss said in a strained voice.

Boogey snickered and turned back to Hoss. "So, a momma's boy, huh?"

Hoss reached out with his mechanical hand and hoisted Boogey up by his shirt collar. "Listen up, you quivering sack of worm guts! Just because I live with my mother doesn't mean I can't turn you inside-out and then right-side-in again! So tell me, ugly, do you feel like eating my waffles?"

The judge banged his gavel. "Order in the court! No threatening the plaintiff's attorney with physical violence until we bring out the steel cage!"

Gary floated up to Judge Spleen and whispered something in his ear.

"I've been informed that we don't actually have a steel cage," Judge Spleen announced sheepishly. "So no violence!"

Hoss scowled and dropped Boogey. Boogey swiftly climbed back to his feet. He cleared his throat.

"Not your family," Boogey elaborated. "His!"

Boogey pointed over to the plaintiffs' desk. Irwin grinned nervously and waved.

"Oh! Right, Robert's family," Hoss said. "Yeah, I was there."

* * *

Hoss Delgado stood behind a grill, tending to the food on it with an expert hand. Gathered around him were members of Irwin's family, all of whom were enthralled by his manly physique, his amazing grilling skills, and his completely true and not at all exaggerated tales of fighting off monsters and the forces of evil, in addition to the forces of evil monsters. Truly, all the women wanted to be with him and all the men wanted to be him. Some of the women too, statistically speaking.

"I was surrounded by giant alien lobsters," Hoss continued. "Lobsters here, lobsters there, lobsters everywhere. I tell you, it was a nightmare, and a normal man would have collapsed to the floor in a squealing heap. How do I know that? Because that's exactly what Dr. Goodbutter did! But while he was curled up in the fetal position, I was ready for action! I got my blaster and got to work, and let me tell you, within ten minutes all of those alien lobsters were ready to be dipped in butter! And  _lemon_."

The crowd around him erupted into cheers. Irwin's father watched the proceedings with an annoyed eye.

"That Hoss thinks he's so cool, just because he's got one eye and an artificial hand," he said sourly. "I could be as cool as he is, dude!"

"Don't flatter yourself," Dracula said flatly. "Dracula knows what cool is, and trust me, you ain't got it."

"I'm cool, dude!" Dick protested.

Before they could pursue the topic further, a giant monster appeared out of nowhere.

"Oh no! A giant monster!" a man screamed. "Save us, Hoss Delgado!"

"It's go time!" Hoss declared.

Hoss flipped one last steak and then leapt into battle, swapping out his spatula attachment for the chainsaw in midair. He sliced off a couple of the monster's tentacles, but the monster managed to grab him. In response, Hoss grinned and bit down on the tentacle holding him. The monster shrieked and let him go, prompting Hoss to switch to his laser gun and carve a hole in the middle of the monster. The monster howled, but quickly began healing the hole. While its focus was on healing itself, Hoss took advantage of its distracted nature and ran back to the grill, where he deftly flipped several hot dogs and hamburgers onto buns and then tossed them to everybody at the reunion. By the time the monster had recovered from the hole Hoss had put it in, everyone had something to munch on.

The monster growled angrily and launched itself towards Hoss again. In response, Hoss jumped into the air and onto a tentacle reaching for him. He ran up the tentacle and up to the monster's head. He grabbed the monster in his normal hand and leapt into the air. The monster scarcely had time to register what was happening before Hoss landed on the ground and began spinning his arm around, whipping the monster in circles. The monster squealed in agony as centrifugal force took its toll on the monster's body.

The agony of centrifugal force was short-lived, however, as Hoss calmly walked towards the grill, still spinning the monster, and then shoved it into the grill and slammed the lid shut. The tentacles of the monster wrapped themselves tightly around the grill, sealing the monster in, and the monster shrieked in agony as it began to cook. Everyone there began to cheer, and Hoss grinned and took a bow.

Suddenly, the monster exploded. Everyone fell silent for a few seconds, but soon began to cheer even louder. Hoss accepted their cheers with the greatest amount of humility.

"Hoss, you're my hero!" Tanya cheered.

"You Dracula's hero too!" Dracula said. "Killing that monster was some good work!"

Hoss grinned and chuckled sheepishly.

"Hey!" Dick complained. Instantly, the cheering stopped. "You got dead monster on my shoe!"

Hoss walked over and took a look. "Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure!" Dick said angrily. "Right there!"

Dick pointed to a spot on his shoe so small it was almost invisible.

"O-kay," Hoss said. "So what do you want me to do about it? I  _saved_  you from that monster."

Dick scowled. "These shoes cost me twenty bucks! I'm gonna sue you for everything you have!"

* * *

"...and that's the story of how I, Hoss Delgado, saved the day!" Hoss said triumphantly. "And then wound up in court thanks to a whiny little nerd man with bad breath."

"I do not have bad breath!" Dick protested.

Judge Spleen banged his gavel–or he would have if he had a gavel. He did a double-take and then looked over at Fred, who was hammering a wall of the courtroom with the gavel.

"Fred Fredburger, Fred Fredburger, Fred Fredburger, Fred Fredburger," Fred chanted as he hammered. He pounded the wall one last time and then walked back to the judge's bench, where he returned the gavel and then headed back to his seat next to Skarr, who watched the scene unfold with boredom in his eyes.

The judge banged his gavel down and cleared his throat. "No interrupting witnesses! Now, does the plaintiff have any questions?"

"I do, your honor," Boogey said smoothly. "So, Moss El Dorado–"

"That's Hoss Delgado, you dumb piece of squirrel poop!" Hoss said angrily.

"Right, so sorry," Boogey said, not sounding sorry at all. "But what did this monster look like?"

Hoss looked uncomfortable. "Well, you know...like a monster?"

"Like a monster," Boogey said, turning his back on Hoss and facing the gallery. "Like a monster. Yes, very informative. I can see a few monsters in the gallery, and wouldn't you know it, they all look different. Lots of features you could latch onto if you needed to identify one. And yet, you can't give us any details about the monster you were supposedly fighting." He turned back to Hoss and looked at him with steel in his eyes. "Why is that, Mister Delgado?"

Hoss glared at the lawyer. Boogey shrank under his gaze.

"Well, you see, Calvin, I was too busy  _fighting_  the monster to take a good look at its all-encompassing ugliness," Hoss growled. "It had tentacles, and eyes, and punchy bits. And I defeated it and saved the day!"

"R-right," Boogey said nervously. "Now, you said you used a bunch of different weapons in your fight, including a chainsaw, a laser, and a spatula. Do you actually have this equipment?"

Wordlessly, Hoss retracted his artificial hand into his arm and then revealed all three weapons in order. Boogey audibly gulped.

"I see," the lawyer said nervously. "Well, I–"

"Are we done yet?" Hoss said flatly. "I think I may have left my monster truck double-parked."

Judge Spleen glanced up at the ceiling, where the Underfistmobile was parked, but chose not to say anything.

"Just a few more questions," Boogey said, walking up to Hoss and leaning against the witness stand. "You said that you defeated the monster, correct?"

"Yes," Hoss said guardedly.

"And Irwin invited you to the reunion, isn't that right?" Boogey asked.

Hoss frowned. "Who?"

Irwin shut his eyes in annoyance.

"The ugly fat nerdy kid, sitting over there," Boogey said, pointing to him.

"Oh, yeah!" Hoss said. "Hey Oliver! What are you doing sitting over there?"

Boogey sighed. "He did invite you, didn't he?"

"Yeah, what of it?" Hoss asked.

"And did he invited the rest of Underfist?" Boogey asked.

Hoss slammed his fist down on the witness stand. "Listen, punk, do you have something to say or are you just planning to waste my day with a bunch of stupid questions?"

Judge Spleen slammed his gavel down. "Mister Delgado! As long as you are in Underworld court, you will answer his questions!"

"Fine," Hoss said bitterly. "Yes, he invited everybody else in Underfist. Are we done now?"

"Just one more question," Boogey said. He paused to draw out the moment.

"GET ON WITH IT!" Hoss barked.

Boogey turned his back to Hoss and faced the gallery. "If the rest of Underfist was at the Irwin family reunion...why didn't they help you fight the monster?"

Silence reigned in the courtroom for several seconds.

Hoss scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Well I may...have...exaggerated...my prowess at...fighting the monster...and also maybe...forgot to mention...a few details?"

"A  _few_  details," Boogey said scathingly. "A FEW details. Yes, I'm sure a few details slipped when you told us what happened, didn't you? You forgot a few things, like what the monster looked like, or what the other members of Underfist were doing, or the names of everybody you met! You 'forgot,' and by 'forgot' I mean you made up a story about what really happened because you, Mister Delgado, are a liar! Why, I'd bet that you never even got any monster on anybody's shoes!"

"Yes he did!" Dick piped up. "He blew up my wife's head!"


	4. Dick

It took a few seconds for Dick's declaration to sink in, but as soon as it did the courtroom erupted into murmurs.

"Order!" the judge demanded, banging his gavel. "Order! Order in the court!"

Slowly, the courtroom quieted down.

"Now, is there anything else the plaintiff would like to ask the witness?" Judge Spleen asked.

"No further questions, your honor," Boogey said smarmily. "I believe Mister Delgado has given me everything I could ever ask for."

The judge nodded and turned to the defendants' bench. "Your witness."

"Um, actually, we'd like to go ahead and forgo the chance to cross-examine, your honor," Jeff said. "Instead, we'd like to call a witness of our own."

The judge nodded. "I'll allow it. Who you gonna call?"

"Dick," Jeff said.

A gasp was emitted by every member of the Irwin family.

"What? Me, dude?" Dick asked, sounding upset.

Judge Spleen's gavel came down.

"You. Dude."

* * *

Jeff paced back and forth as Dick stood in the witness stand. Eventually, though, Jeff stopped and faced Irwin's father.

"Tell me, uh..." Jeff paused. "I'm sorry, we've never been formally introduced, even though your son and I work together and your son's like best friends with my dad, but we've got kind of a strained relationship, because apparently he's like super scared of spiders–"

"That's right, bug!" Billy yelled from the gallery. "I'll squish you good!"

Jeff waved to him. "Love you Dad!" He turned back to Dick. "So yeah, we don't talk much, me and my dad that is, your son and I have been spending a lot of time together lately–wait, no, not in that way, no, I-I like gigantic spider women just like anybody else, but uh, what I'm trying to say is, uh, uh, uh–hi, my name is Jeff, it's nice to meet you, what's your name?"

Jeff extended his front right leg for a handshake. Dick gingerly reached out and shook it.

"I'm–I'm Dick," Dick said, sounding uncomfortable.

"Well, it's very nice to meet you, Dick," Jeff said. "You've got a fantastic son. But I, um, I've got some questions about what really happened at the family reunion."

Jeff stopped speaking. An awkward silence filled the courtroom.

"Get on with it!" Mandy finally yelled after twenty seconds of nothing.

"Right, well, that's my question," Jeff said. "Dick, if you would, tell the court what happened at the reunion. In your own words, please."

* * *

It was a warm and sunny day in Endsville. The birds were chirping, the bunnies were hopping, and that weird redheaded kid was digging through the trash again on a hunt for candy. The lush, healthy grass of Endsville's park was soft and cool underfoot, if you were to trod on it while barefoot. All in all, it was a nice day; not too hot, not too cold. It was, in point of fact, one of the nicer days Endsville had seen in a long while, which was lucky, since today was the day that the Irwin family reunion was to occur.

As Dick gazed out at his assembled extended family, he had to admit that today was going off much better than he anticipated. When he had first learned that the family reunion was coming to where he lived, he was nervous. After all, Endsville was never the safest place to live, and it had gotten much less safe since his son's best friend had acquired the friendship of the Grim Reaper. Even when they moved to Washington, D.C., Endsville still wasn't safe, as the Grim Reaper's presence lingered and still attracted monsters. And while Dick was proud of his son for fighting off the monsters using his vampire-mummy-nerd powers, he had to admit that Irwin's new hobby was somewhat worrisome, not least because of how dangerous it was.

Plus, the people he was hanging out with were the definition of a bad crowd! Like that hairy guy with really bad B.O., or the weird green thing. Sure, the spider was okay, but on the other hand he tried to web up everybody and take over the world once! Honestly, the only one of them who didn't seem completely insane was the bald guy with the amazing lawn. That guy was alright.

Still, Dick found as he looked around the grass and trees of Endsville Park that there was something missing, although he couldn't put his finger on what it was. Everybody was there, everybody was having a good time, he was cooking meat...even his father-in-law was behaving himself and not trying to harangue everybody into building him a pyramid. But there was something missing, and he couldn't quite figure out what it was.

A giant metal fist erupted out of the ground, and in a quick moment of clarity Dick figured it out: his son had been missing from the family reunion.

As the Underfistmobile landed heavily on the swing set on the playground, Dick issued a quick prayer to any gods that might be listening that Underfist were simply dropping off his son for the family reunion and they would be off to do something else somewhere else. Preferably in outer space, since that would probably take them a few hours.

The gods were indeed listening to Dick's prayer. Unfortunately for Dick, his prayer was not selected to move on to the next step in the granting process, and the members of Underfist leapt out of their vehicle, ready for action.

Hoss's eyes landed on Dick. "Well, what have we here?"

"A family reunion, dude," Dick said frostily. "And I believe you were just leaving."

Hoss laughed flatly. "That's a good one. No, we were invited."

"What?" Dick asked. "That's preposterous, dude!"

"No, it's true!" Fred said happily. "I have my invitation, see?"

Fred held up his invitation. It was true: Irwin had invited the other members of Underfist to the family reunion.

"Well, okay, dude," Dick said, relenting a bit. "But–"

"Now step aside!" Hoss said, shoving Dick out of the way. "I'm gonna take over the grill!"

Hoss bent over the grill like a particularly stupid gorilla and scratched his head, causing several flakes of dandruff to fall on the assorted meats. He stared at the food dimly as it started to burn.

"That is not true!" Hoss said angrily. "I don't have dandruff, and I'm an expert grillmaster! You're just mad because I'm so much better than you!"

Even if Hoss was much better than Dick on the grill, which he wasn't, every member of Underfist soon started to run around and cause trouble for the other guests, except for Jeff, who was missing for some reason. Eventually, Dick couldn't take it anymore, and he stood up in order to issue a proclamation that he was fed up with their antics and that if they didn't stop, they would have to leave.

It was at that moment that his wife's head turned into a writhing mass of tentacles. Hoss and Skarr immediately went on the offensive, but Judy took care of the brutes and quickly tossed them aside. It was then that Grandmama stepped in and performed the Heimlich maneuver on Judy, causing her to cough up the tentacles.

Then Hoss sat up and shot Judy in the face.

* * *

Jeff tapped the claws on his frontmost legs together. "Interesting story, Dick. Very, very interesting story."

"Thanks, dude," Dick said. "And it's all true! That's exactly what happened at the reunion, dude!"

"So you say," Jeff said. "I just have a few questions."

"Go ahead," Dick said. "I told the truth, dude."

"I'm not saying you lied," Jeff said. "I just want to know: what kind of trouble was Underfist causing?"

"What?" Dick asked, surprised.

"You said that the members of Underfist were causing trouble," Jeff reiterated. "But you didn't really provide any details on what they were doing."

"You should know, dude!" Dick said. "You were there too!"

"I'd like you to tell me," Jeff said.

Dick and Jeff glared at each other. Judge Spleen banged his gavel.

"The witness will answer the question!" the judge declared.

Dick scowled. "Fine. I hate to think about it, dude, but they were–well, some of them were being total jerks. Like Hoss, not only did he take over the grill from me–where I was doing an excellent job of grilling, by the way–"

"That's a lie, I'm much better and you know it!" Hoss yelled.

The judge banged his gavel. "Be quiet! Nobody cares who the better grillmaster is! Especially since it's obviously me."

"Fine," Dick said grudgingly. "Well, he was also annoying my guests with his made-up stories–"

"Those stories are one hundred percent true and you know it!" Hoss yelled at him.

Judge Spleen slammed his gavel down again. "Do I have to remind the defendants to be quiet?"

"Yes!" Fred chirped.

"Be quiet!" the judge said.

"Okay, so he was telling stories and taking over the grill," Jeff said. "Is there anything else he was doing that annoyed you?"

"...well, no," Dick admitted. "Apart from being really hairy, dude. And rude, dude."

"Okay, what about everybody else?" Jeff asked. "You said that they were being annoying."

"Well, the bald guy left pretty fast, dude. But soon he started screaming like, really loudly. I mean, we could hear him, even though we couldn't see him anywhere, dude! And the little green thing was obnoxious and constantly asking questions, dude!" Dick explained. "Although Irwin was cool, at least. Say...where were you, dude?"

Jeff looked uncomfortable. "That's not important right now. So Underfist was being annoying, right?"

"That's right, dude," Dick agreed.

"And you didn't like how they were behaving, right?" Jeff asked.

"Yeah," Dick said.

"But they didn't actually summon the monster," Jeff said.

"Well–I didn't see them, but–dude!" Dick said, sounding annoyed. "They blew up my wife's head, dude!"

"Didn't you admit that your wife had turned into a monster?" Jeff asked.

"Not when they blew her up, dude!" Dick exclaimed. "She was back to normal by then, dude!"

"Then just answer me one more question," Jeff said. "How long had she been back to normal?"

Dick didn't say anything.

"Was it a few minutes? A few seconds?" Jeff probed. "Since you said she tore through Underfist easily, maybe Hoss was firing blindly at where the monster last was and didn't realize your wife had returned to normal. How long had your wife been back to normal when she got shot?"

"...I suppose it was only a few seconds," Dick admitted.

Jeff nodded. "The defense rests, your honor."

The judge banged his gavel. "Does the plaintiff want to cross-examine?"

"You know, I do," Boogey said. As Jeff skittered back to his seat at the desk, Boogey calmly walked over to the witness stand. "Now, Dick, I understand that your wife is a mummy, correct?"

"That's right, dude," Dick said.

"Okay," Boogey said. "Are you completely certain that this tentacle thing wasn't just a normal manifestation of her mummy powers?"

"Well, no," Dick said. "But she said this had never happened to her before, dude."

"Right, but it's possible that this was normal?" Boogey asked.

"I guess, dude," Dick said.

"And if this was indeed normal, wouldn't that mean that Underfist was fighting your wife for no reason?" Boogey asked.

Dick stayed silent as he contemplated Boogey's question.

"Moving on," Boogey eventually said. "After your wife went back to normal, Hoss did shoot her, correct?"

"Yes, dude," Dick said. "They shot her, dude!"

"No further questions," Boogey said. "I'd like to call my next witness: Tanya."


	5. Tanya

Irwin's grandmama walked up to the witness stand slowly but purposefully. She stood in the stand and looked around.

"Well?" she demanded. "Where's my chair? You can't possibly expect an old lady to stand all the time!"

Judge Spleen looked startled. "Get this woman a chair!"

"That's right, get this woman a chair!" Tanya echoed. "I tell you, nothing but fools in this place!"

"Did you call me a fool?" Judge Spleen demanded.

Tanya stared him down, and the judge instantly shrank back.

"Nevermind," Judge Spleen said nervously. Gary produced a new chair for the witness stand.

"That's much better," Tanya said, sitting down. "At least  _somebody_  here is doing their job."

Judge Spleen grumbled under his breath.

"Hush, child!" Tanya said to him. "Now why y'all drag an old woman up here to sit in an uncomfortable chair? I tell you, ain't nothing so cruel as that. These old bones ain't built for such harshness!"

"Oh, I certainly agree," Boogey said. "Especially the harshness you experienced at the family reunion, correct?"

"Oh, it was terrible!" Tanya declared. "Absolutely horrible, I couldn't believe it!"

"Please, if you would, tell the court about the monster," Boogey said.

"The monster?" she asked. "Oh, it was horrible! Absolutely horrible! Ugly, and fat, and oozing slime from every pore! And the way it smelled, whoo-ee! It was easily the stankiest, rottenest, grossest  _thing_  ever!"

"And then it attacked the family reunion?" Boogey prompted.

"Not  _my_  family reunion," Tanya said. "Yours, maybe."

Boogey looked confused. "My family reunion?"

"Mmm-hmm," Tanya agreed.

"What would something so horrible be doing at my family reunion?" he asked.

"Well it  _is_  yo mama!" she said.

Boogey scowled. "Funny. But–"

"Yo mama so fat, she can't see her legs when she sits down!" Tanya exclaimed.

"I–" Boogey started to interrupt.

"Yo mama so dull, she makes beige look interesting!" she said.

"But–" Boogey interjected.

"Yo mama so ugly, even Medusa won't look at her!" Tanya continued.

In the audience, Medusa rolled her eyes. "Like it's  _my_  fault people can't look at me."

"Yo mama so stupid," Tanya finished, "I mean she so stupid, she's so incredibly stupid...she thinks you're a good lawyer!"

Boogey burst into tears and ran out of the courtroom, crying all the way.

"...would the defense like to cross-examine?" Judge Spleen finally ventured, trying to move the plot along.

"Uh..." Jeff said awkwardly.

"C'mon, eight-legs!" Tanya demanded. "Let's get this over with so I can go home and take a long bath!"

Jeff approached the bench. "So, Tanya, uh, is there anything you want to say?"

She pursed her lips and shook her head. "You take after your father, don't you."

"How do you mean?" Jeff asked uncertainly.

"Yo daddy so dumb, his IQ is negative!" she announced. Grim chuckled. "Yo daddy's nose so big, planes try to land on it!"

Billy let out a stupid chortle. "It's funny because it's true!"

"Yo daddy so ugly, you'd beat him in a beauty contest!" Tanya added. "Yo daddy, I said yo daddy, yo daddy is so dumb, yo daddy is so dumb he sometimes forgets you're a spider!"

Billy stopped laughing. "Spider?"

Billy's eyes widened. "SPIDER! SQUISH IT! CRUSH IT!"

Billy leapt out of his seat, ran towards Jeff, and delivered several rapid-fire punches to his eyes.

"I'LL SQUISH YOU!" Billy screamed. "I'LL SQUISH YOU GOOD, YOU STUPID UGLY BUG! DIE! DIE! DIE!"

As quickly as Billy had started punching Jeff, he stopped and walked away happily, leaving Jeff lying in a crumpled heap on the courtroom floor.

"Love you too dad," Jeff managed to choke out.

"Okay," Judge Spleen said. "I guess that's all, so–"

"You talking to me?" Tanya asked angrily.

"Um," Judge Spleen said uncomfortably. He looked around the courtroom for a hint of the best way to answer, but didn't receive one from anybody. "Yes?"

"Oh yeah, well let me tell you something!" Tanya said. "You're so ugly, yo mama needs to put  _five_  bags over her head to kiss you goodnight! Mmm-hmm! You so fat, I tell you you're so fat,  _whales_  think you need to go on a diet! You're so old, your wig actually makes you look younger! Uh-huh! And let me tell you, let me tell you–"

Roy Spleen burst into tears. "Oh, just go sit down!"

"Fine," she said, getting up and making her way back to the plaintiff's desk. "But you're so dumb, you thought Billy and Mandy would get married!"

"I–call for–a recess!" the judge said, still weeping. "I sentence–all of you–to take a five-minute-pee-break!"


	6. General Skarr

Five minutes later, everything was back to normal. The judge had stopped crying, Jeff had recovered from his injuries, and Boogey had come back to the courtroom. Everything was in order, in fact, so much so that General Skarr had already been brought up to the witness stand for questioning by Jeff.

"So, Mister Skarr–" Jeff started.

" _General_  Skarr," General Skarr corrected him.

"Of course," Jeff agreed. " _General_  Skarr. You were invited to the Irwin family reunion, weren't you?"

"You were the one who dragged me along," Skarr said. "Don't you remember?"

"I–I remember!" Jeff defended himself. "But the rest of the court wasn't with us on that day."

"Lucky them," Skarr said sarcastically.

"So, since the court wasn't here with us, how about you tell them what you witnessed at the family reunion?" Jeff suggested.

Skarr inhaled and exhaled deeply. "So be it."

* * *

A giant fist plowed through the ground and landed on the playground, crushing a swing set. A door in one of the fingers opened, and the members of Underfist tumbled out onto the grass. Hoss was ready to fight a nonexistent foe, Irwin was awkwardly looking around at relatives he hadn't seen in a long time, Jeff quickly skittered off towards the street where General Skarr used to live, and Fred acted like a complete moron–although, all things considered, Skarr was beginning to come to the conclusion that Fred was, in fact, a completely moron.

Actually, Skarr had to admit to himself that this wasn't true. He'd always thought that Fred was a moron; it's just that this observation had bubbled to the surface of his thoughts more and more frequently over the last few days, days that were filled with Fred screaming at his cartoons, drawing all over the place, and picking his nose. Skarr didn't even want to think about the massive ball of unspeakable horror he had discovered under his bed the other night.

Of course, part of the problem was how Skarr had to spend so much time around the freakish green duck-elephant-peanut-whatever. As a military man, Skarr was used to spending a lot of time with people he didn't necessarily get along with. His time in the barracks, his commanders, his stint as the lead tactician for Evil Con Carne, and of course living next door to that idiot Billy...actually, when he considered it, most of his life had been spent in the company of fools, nincompoops, and crazies. Thankfully, he had finally found a respite from the insanity with his pride and joy: his garden.

Which brought to mind the question of how his garden had been doing. He'd been away from it for a while, and he could only hope that his next-door neighbor had followed the detailed instructions he'd left on the proper way to winterize it. Sure, the guy was a weirdo with bad breath who left him with the bill for his pizza–and it wasn't even a good pizza! What sort of freak enjoys pineapple and double-pepperoni?

Still, the man's wife was kind enough to invite him over for dinner on occasion, and she was comparatively not completely insane. So when he was enlisted to fight the forces of evil and monsters and evil monsters, he decided against his better judgement to allow his neighbor to housesit. Besides, there was no way the garden could look as bad as it did after the trick-or-treater-eaters rampaged all over it, exposing the raw dirt and covering his lawn in grape soda and lollipop sticks and what he desperately hoped was chocolate.

Since he didn't have to be at the reunion as part of his job–in fact, he had only come along because the president had allowed them to go there on a mandatory vacation that she referred to as 'if he doesn't get away from me for a day so I don't have to see his annoying lovesick puppy eyes or listen to his stupid pickup lines I swear I'll torture each and every one of you in ways you never thought possible but will instantly learn to fear.' And, since he had no connection to Irwin's family, he might as well go ahead and check up on his beautiful garden. After all, it was always possible that his neighbor had learned some sense of responsibility and had actually winterized it well enough to make him proud.

* * *

As it turned out, General Skarr's garden did not look as bad as it did on Halloween night.

It looked even worse.

Not only was the lawn torn up and littered with candy wrappers, all the plants were now dead, except for several giant vines that were sprouting out of the roof of Skarr's house. These vines were wrapped around the trees, choking them, and poking through the broken windows of General Skarr's house. Skarr's residence looked like a long-abandoned shack–which was quite a feat, given that Skarr had been away less than a month.

Skarr dropped to his knees in despair and began to scream.

* * *

After several minutes of outraged and despairing screaming, Skarr began to notice that he wasn't the only one screaming. Skarr came back to his senses when he realized this, and listened more closely. The screams were coming from the park.

"Of course," Skarr muttered to himself. "I couldn't just have a day off."

Skarr quickly raced back to the park. When he finally managed to see what was happening, his heart skipped a beat. A giant monster was menacing Irwin's family reunion!

Naturally, Skarr leapt into battle, racing towards the monster and delivering several harsh karate chops to its head. In response, the monster grabbed him in one of its five tentacles and hurled him into the ground.

That was the last thing Skarr saw before waking up in a hospital bed.

* * *

"Thank you, General Skarr," Jeff said. "Now you said you woke up in a hospital bed, correct?"

"Yes," Skarr said, sounding irritated.

"And you ended up there after being thrown by a tentacled monster?" Jeff summarized.

"Yes," Skarr said, sounding more irritated.

"A monster that you attacked," Jeff concluded.

"Yes, get to the point already!" Skarr said angrily.

"My point is, you were injured trying to save the family reunion picnic, right?" Jeff asked.

"Yes," Skarr said guardedly.

"And that's what the rest of Underfist was doing, right?" Jeff asked.

"Well...yes," Skarr said.

"So as far as you could tell, Underfist, including yourself, was trying to save the family reunion?" Jeff summarized.

"Yes," Skarr said.

"No further questions," Jeff said.

The judge's gavel came down. "Would the plaintiff care to cross-examine?"

"Yes!" Boogey exclaimed, leaping up and strutting towards Skarr. "Now, Mister Skarr–"

" _General_  Skarr," Skarr corrected.

" _Mister_  Skarr," Boogey reiterated. "I notice that you said the monster had five tentacles."

"What of it?" Skarr asked.

"How did you have the time to notice that?" Boogey asked. "I thought you were engaged in a vicious battle, yet somehow you had the time to count how many tentacles the monster had?"

"I just noticed it," Skarr said angrily.

"Then why didn't your teammate Hoss bring it up?" Boogey asked.

"Because he didn't notice how many tentacles the monster had, or because he didn't think it was important, or because he's an idiot," Skarr said frostily. "Can I go now?"

Boogey ignored the question. "Are you sure? It wasn't because you can't keep your stories straight?"

"What are you–" Skarr started to say.

"Far be it from me to call such fine, upstanding monster-killers as yourself  _liars_ ," Boogey continued. "I mean, you certainly wouldn't  _lie_  about anything, I'm sure. These gaps in your stories aren't there because you're trying to  _lie_  to us. No, I'm sure that you never  _lied_  to us. After all, you're not a  _liar_... _are_  you, Mister Skarr?"

General Skarr nervously tugged at his collar.

"No further questions," Boogey said. "I'd like to call my next witness...Dracula!"


	7. Dracula

"Oh yeah!" Dracula proclaimed, swaggering up to the witness stand. "Dracula gonna get his groove on!"

Boogey smiled. "I'm sure you will, Mr. Dracula."

"Oh, nonono!" Dracula corrected him. "No mister. It's just...Dracula."

"Right, so–" Boogey said.

"Everybody knows who Dracula is!" Dracula continued. "Dracula don't need no other name, because everyone knows who Dracula is! Dracula is the greatest vampire of all time, the greatest dancer of all time, and the greatest gift to the ladies  _ever_!"

"Right, so–" Boogey tried to interject.

"Hey, wanna see Dracula dance?" Dracula asked. He began dancing. "Uh. Like that. Yeah. Woo! Watch Dracula move. C'mon, watch Dracula. Yeah! Ladies love Dracula!"

Tanya wolf-whistled, and without breaking stride Dracula fired finger-pistols at her.

Boogey frowned. "Permission to treat the witness as hostile?"

"On what grounds?" Judge Spleen asked.

"On the grounds that he keeps dancing instead of answering my questions," Boogey said.

The judge frowned. "I dunno. He's a pretty good dancer."

"And don't you forget it!" Dracula said.

"Would you just answer my questions?" Boogey asked frustratedly.

Dracula stopped dancing and sized him up. "Okay. It's because of how you dress."

"What?" Boogey asked, flabbergasted.

"That suit does  _not_  do anything for you," Dracula said. "And you aren't that attractive, and you ain't got none of Dracula's swagger...oh, and you're a loser."

Boogey stared at Dracula with his jaw dropped.

"Heck, you probably can't even dance!" Dracula continued. "No wonder you're a failure with the ladies!"

Boogey blinked a few times.

"No further questions," Boogey finally choked out.

"Would the defense care to cross-examine?" Judge Spleen asked.

"I would," Jeff said, skittering over to Dracula. "So, Dracula–"

"You're that giant spider that hangs out with my grandson, ain'tcha?" Dracula asked.

"Yes, I am," Jeff admitted. "And–"

"Well you're doing a bang-up job!" Dracula said sarcastically. "Before he started hanging around you, he was a nerd! Now he's a nerd with vampire-mummy powers who's somehow even nerdier than before! Dracula is ashamed!"

"Well, I–" Jeff started to say.

"And don't get Dracula started on how ungrateful kids are today!" Dracula continued. "When Dracula was younger, why, he was the coolest cool in school! Eating pizza, dancing, being a hit with the ladies, hanging out with his friends–and what does Dracula's grandson do? He's lactose-intolerant so he don't eat pizza, he don't dance, none of the ladies want to spend any time with him especially the angry woman he's got a hang-up for, and his only friends are a forty-eight year old who lives with his mother, a one-eyed weirdo bald guy, a green whatever, a giant spider, and a complete dummy! You should be trying to make my grandson cooler, not make him a complete loser!"

Irwin sank even lower in his seat.

"Okay, but–" Jeff tried to interrupt.

"Dummies and uglies!" Dracula exclaimed, ignoring him. "That's all Dracula ever sees, nothing but dummies and uglies! Well Dracula's done with you dummies, uglies, and ugly dummies! Dracula's gonna go sit down, maybe get hisself a cheeseburger!"

So saying, Dracula got up and walked back over to his family. Jeff scratched his head.

"Okay," Jeff said awkwardly. "So, uh, we'd like to call our next witness..."


	8. Fred Fredburger

"Fred, would you come up here?" Jeff called to the defendants' table.

"NNNNOOOOOOOO!" the judge yelled frantically. "NO! NOT HIM! PLEASE, NO, NOT HIM!"

Everybody looked at Roy Spleen. The judge was sweating furiously, and he had a shellshocked look on his face. He was staring at nothing, completely horrified by something nobody else could see.

Jeff coughed. "Fred, could you come up here?"

"Yes!" Fred said happily. The judge burst into tears as Fred waddled over to the witness stand and took his seat.

"So, Fred," Jeff said. "You remember Irwin's family reunion?"

"Yes!" Fred said. "Hey, where were, you?"

Jeff scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "That's not important right now."

"Oh, okay!" Fred said happily. "Hey, remember that time we went on that cruise, only it was really a cargo ship?"

"Oh yeah!" Jeff said. "And we played hide-and-seek with the sailors?"

"Yeah, yeah!" Fred said. "And then that one sailor crept up on you and you webbed him up!"

"And I cut him out but he ran off screaming!"

"And then they sent a helicopter to pick us up and get us home safely!"

"But you ate too many marshmallows and ended up puking all over the control panel!"

"And then we crashed into the coast of Mexico and had to hitchhike our way home!"

"And that angry police guy was all angry because your passport was written in Spider Language!"

"Objection!" Boogey said angrily. "This is completely irrelevant to the case at hand!"

The judge didn't respond because he was too busy weeping.

"You know, he's right," Jeff admitted. "We should be focusing on what happened at the reunion."

"Yes!" Fred agreed. "It was a big party!"

"Yes it was," Jeff said.

"Like when you threw that surprise birthday party for your dad!" Fred continued.

Jeff sighed. "I really thought that would make him happy."

"But it wasn't his birthday, and you just scared him!" Fred said.

Jeff chuckled. "Yeah...yeah I did."

"And then he started hitting you with a stick!" Fred said.

Jeff smiled. "That's my dad, all right. Hey, remember that time you dared me to put bugs in that guys salami sandwich?"

Fred nodded vigorously. "Yeah, but we couldn't find any bugs, so we replaced them with lettuce!"

"And then the guy was confused by the fact that there wasn't any tomatoes on his sandwich!" Jeff reminisced. "Man, that was hilarious!"

Jeff and Fred laughed happily.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Boogey yelled angrily. "Jeff is plainly wasting the court's time, and is not actually going to ask any questions pertaining to the case! I demand his questioning be ended!"

The judge suddenly stopped weeping and looked up, plainly having just gotten an idea.

"That's right!" Roy Spleen said happily. "I guess that since you don't have any actual questions to ask, you don't get to question Fred! Now..." he gulped. "Would the defense like to cross-examine?"

Boogey considered the question.

"Say no, say no, say no, say no, say no, say no..." the judge whispered loudly.

"No," Boogey eventually decided. "Instead, I'd like to move on to my final witness: Irwin!"

"You can't do that!" Jeff complained. "Irwin's  _our_  witness!"

"No way, spider!" Dick said. "Irwin's gonna bring us home a huge settlement, isn't that right son?"

"No, Lemmy's going to exonerate us!" Hoss bragged. "He's a loyal member of Underfist through and through!"

"He's our witness!" Dracula said.

"No, ours!" Skarr declared.

"Ours!" Tanya yelled.

"Ours!" Jeff yelled back.

"Ours!" Boogey declared.

"Ours!" Fred said happily.

"Ours!" Billy joined in stupidly.

"Hours!" Father Time said, staring at a clock.

While the argument continued, Irwin began to sweat uncontrollably. Finally, he cracked.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" he screamed frantically.

The courtroom fell silent. Everybody stared at him.

Judge Roy Spleen clasped his hands together impassively. "We want the truth."


	9. The Truth

The family reunion was in full swing now that Underfist had arrived. While Hoss took over grill duties and Fred began to wander around, asking Irwin's extending family questions, Jeff and Skarr both wandered out of the park. Although Dick looked annoyed that he'd been shoved out of the way of manning the grill, overall everybody at the reunion seemed to be quite happy, with the exceptions of Irwin and two people hiding in the bushes.

These two fixed their eyes on Hoss's rump as he worked the grill. As Hoss continued to tell his tales of monster-battling and hunting the supernatural to anybody who would listen, the pair of women watched closely as he casually flipped patties and showed off his rippling muscles and immense quantity of body hair.

The two women in question looked similar enough that they could be sisters. Both of them had the same face, the same eyes, the same freckled cheeks, and the same gap-toothed smiles; in fact, the only differences between them were their clothes, hair, and facial expressions. One of them was a blonde clad in a vaguely Greek style of white robes and sandals, with a welcoming, matronly smile resting calmly on her face. The other was a noirette wearing torn blue robes and high heels, whose lips naturally curved into a vicious grin.

"Oh, he's so cute!" the blonde swooned. She gasped. "But what if he burns himself on that grill? He could get an ouchie!"

"That's not all we could give him," the noirette said sinisterly. She cackled softly. "We could give  _everyone_  an ouchie!"

The blonde looked at the other woman with wide eyes. "Why would we do that? That would be mean, and Hossy-wossy could get hurt!"

"I know, isn't it fantastic?" the black-haired girl said, smirking.

"Naughty Eris!" the blonde admonished. "Naughty, naughty Eris!"

"That's my name, don't wear it out," the noirette shot back. "Now c'mon, let's kick this party up a notch."

Nice Eris gasped. "But then how will we ever get Hoss to love us again? Love comes from caring, and thoughtfulness, and protectiveness, and making sure that nothing ever ever happens that could get cute little Hossy-wossy hurt!"

"Are you daft?" Naughty Eris shot back. "'Hossy-wossy' fell out of love with us because we weren't putting him in  _enough_  danger!"

"No!" Nice Eris said. "Danger and love don't go together!"

"But danger and  _chaos_  do," Naughty Eris said dangerously.

Nice Eris gasped. "You can't mean–"

"Yes!" Naughty Eris exclaimed. "It's time...for CHAOS!"

Naughty Eris held up the Golden Apple of Discord and laughed evilly. In a normal town, this would have drawn attention to them, but in Endsville, a strange bush talking about chaos and laughing evilly was not unusual. In fact, there was a grove of surprisingly chatty trees on the ground of the local community college that were known for discussing philosophy and eating college students. A bush in the park that was abnormally focused on chaos was, by comparison, not unusual at all.

"You can't!" Nice Eris protested. "He'll never love us if we unleash chaos on his friends."

Naughty Eris smirked. "My dear, what are friends but a distraction from us?"

Nice Eris tilted her head. "You have a point..."

"I know I do," Naughty Eris said. "And that's why–"

"–we have to get rid of them," Nice Eris finished her thought. "You're right."

"But who should get the apple?" the Erises asked in tandem.

"Hey! Green thing! Wanna see Dracula dance?" Dracula asked loudly.

"Yes!" Fred declared.

The two Erises stared at the elderly vampire and grinned. Naughty Eris reared back to throw the Apple of Discord.

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!" somebody cried in the distance.

The Erises looked at each other, confused. The anguished cry came again.

"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The Erises shrugged at each other, and Naughty Eris wound up to throw again.

"REVENGE!" a loud voice declared just as Eris let the apple go. Instead of arcing neatly threw the air and landing on top of Dracula's head, as had been Naughty Eris's intent, the apple slammed into the head of Pud'n. Pud'n had been running across the park, screaming about revenge for some reason unknown to the members of the family reunion, who had all just decided to ignore the odd sight of a short, redheaded boy running through their reunion–had being the important term, as when he got hit by the apple he went down hard. The apple, meanwhile, flew up into the air and hung dozens of feet above the ground before dropping directly onto the grill that Hoss was tending. Without looking, Hoss reached out a barbecue fork and skewered the apple.

"Alright, who wants a delicious–" Hoss started to say before looking at his newly-speared food. His eyes bulged. "This is a vegetable! Vegetables don't belong on grills! Grills are for meat! Vegetables are for wimps!"

Hoss turned back to the grill and angrily flung the apple over his shoulder, not caring where it went. As it turned out, where it went was directly into the open mouth of Irwin's mother, Judy. The mummy began to choke, but before anyone could help her, her eyes bulged and rolled back into her head.

It was then that her head exploded, releasing five thick black eldritch tentacles. Upon seeing what had happened to his wife, Dick collapsed onto the grass, able to only gibber out nonsense syllables as he tried to make sense of what had just happened.

"Ha!" Dracula said, pointing at Dick. "Dummy! You married an ugly!"

One of the tentacles reached out, grabbed Dracula, and then spun him around several times. Dracula screamed as the tentacle spun him until it finally stopped, reared back, and hurled Dracula into the stratosphere. It let out the sound of a particularly satisfied budgie, and then reached out and smashed a picnic table where several distant cousins were sitting. The cousins quickly scattered, as did several other members of the Irwin family reunion.

The tentacles let out a cackle that sounded disturbingly like a rooster crowing while being strangled–almost identical, in fact, as anybody who had heard a rooster crowing while being strangled could tell you, although most of them would be averse to giving details about how they obtained that knowledge.

Hoss turned around. "Oh, what is–" He spotted the monster and grinned. "Oh, you wanna interrupt Stewart's family reunion, huh? Well too bad, because Hoss Delgado! is on the case!"

Hoss's hand slipped back into his arm and was replaced with an ion cannon. Hoss cackled as he fired wildly at the tentacled monster. The tentacles took the full impact of his blasts without shrinking back, and pretty soon Hoss found himself in hand-to-hand combat with three tentacles.

"Um, excuse me?" Fred politely asked one of the tentacles. "Do you know–"

The tentacle grabbed Fred and slammed him into the ground repeatedly. Skarr crept up on the monster with his knife drawn and grinned wickedly as he prepared to thrust the knife in–until the last tentacle grabbed him and flung him forward. Skarr hit the ground hard and skidded to a halt underneath the tentacle slamming Fred into the ground, hammering Skarr deeper into the earth. Meanwhile, Hoss found himself in a stalemate with the three tentacles, and when the fourth tentacle flicked him aside, he went flying through the air and landed on Skarr.

Tanya shook her head. "This is just crazy!"

Tanya walked up to her daughter-in-law and smacked her upside the head. The Apple of Discord flew out, and Judy returned to normal. Fred fell onto Hoss's stomach, and Hoss's blaster went off inadvertently, blowing up Judy's head, which landed on Dick's shoes.

"Aw, man, dude!" Dick complained. "Not again!"

Dick picked up his wife's head and walked back over to her body, where he reattached it. Judy tilted her head to make sure it was firmly on, and then groaned, annoyed.

"You guys are totally not cool!" Dick complained at the unconscious bodies of Underfist. "We're gonna sue you for ruining the reunion!"


	10. Irwin

Irwin sat in the witness stand, nervous sweat trickling down his face. "So you uh, you want the truth?"

"Yes," the judge said. "That's what this is all about. The truth!"

"Uh, okay," Irwin said nervously. "So it all started that afternoon..."

* * *

Irwin plopped down on a park bench and sighed. It wasn't fair. He'd managed to get time off so he could go to the family reunion, and he'd invited the rest of Underfist so they wouldn't feel left out, but what happened? He ended up being ignored, as usual. All his relatives thought he was a dorky weirdo, so they didn't want to hang out with him, and everybody in Underfist either decided to spend time with his relatives instead of him or go off and do other things. Skarr had left as soon as he could–probably to look at his stupid garden, if Irwin were to hazard a guess–and Jeff had scurried off to crawl around Billy's basement, since he had been born there. And where did that leave Irwin? Alone, ignored, and with nothing to do. It just wasn't fair, yo!

Irwin sighed again. Suddenly, his ears perked up, as he heard a noise that sounded like somebody rummaging through a trashcan. He looked around and spotted a trashcan. The noises stopped, and Irwin tilted his head as he stared at the can. Suddenly, the noises began again, and the can started shaking. Nervously, Irwin walked towards it, knowing it was his duty as a member of Underfist to investigate–and if necessary, defeat–the supernatural wherever it might be hiding. Although why a supernatural creature would be hiding in a trashcan, Irwin wasn't sure. For that matter, he wasn't sure he wanted to know–and was absolutely certain that he  _didn't_  want to know if it turned out to be one of Fred's relatives.

Irwin reached the trashcan. Slowly, he popped his head over the edge and looked down into it.

There was nothing inside but garbage.

Until the garbage erupted out of the can, along with a loud yell of "FREE CANDY!"

Panicked, Irwin wiped off his face and got ready to fight whatever was about to attack him. When he saw who it was, though, he relaxed.

"Oh, hey Pud'n," Irwin said. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for candy," Pud'n said cheerfully. "And  _revenge_."

"Revenge?" Irwin asked, confused.

"On that guy!" Pud'n said happily as he pointed towards Irwin's father.

"My dad?" Irwin asked.

"Yep!" Pud'n said.

"...why, yo?" Irwin asked.

"Because he once spoke to my family in a high-pitched voice," Pud'n replied.

"Your...family?" Irwin asked.

"Yep!" Pud'n said. Two wolves poked their heads out from a nearby bush. "And that's a big insult! Very, very naughty. So we're gonna teach him a lesson!"

"Uh...huh," Irwin said uncomfortably. "Well, uh–"

Before Irwin could figure out what to say to Pud'n that wouldn't end with him getting mauled by wolves, he heard a loud scream off in the distance. Pud'n gasped.

"Oh, I hope that's not a major accident!" Pud'n said worriedly. Before Irwin could say anything, he continued. "I'd  _hate it_  if nobody paid attention to our revenge because of something stupid like that happening!"

"W-w-what are you going to do, yo?" Irwin asked nervously.

"We're going to pull his pants down in front of his whole family!" Pud'n declared.

Irwin let out a sigh of relief. At least his dad wasn't going to be seriously injured.

"And then we're going to tear his arms and legs off and have them for dinner!" Pud'n continued.

Irwin gulped. "Uh, Pud'n, maybe–"

"So what're you doing out here?" Pud'n asked cheerfully.

"Oh, well, I'm–" Irwin started to say.

"Isn't that your family reunion?" Pud'n asked.

"It is, but–"

"So why aren't you with your family?" Pud'n continued. "Family's like the most important thing! I love my mom and dad!"

"Aren't your mom and dad wolves, yo?" Irwin asked.

"Yep!" Pud'n said happily.

Irwin sighed. "Well, you see, Pud'n–"

Pud'n looked at his wrist and gasped. "It's time for revenge!"

Pud'n took off with his pack of wolves. Irwin stared after him, confused, sad, in need of a bathroom, and unsure whether he should do something to save his father or just sit there and wallow in his misery.

The moment passed, however, and Irwin sat back down on the park bench, staring at the ground.

"It's not fair," Irwin muttered to himself. "It's just not fair."

"REVENGE!" Pud'n screamed in the distance.

Irwin raised his head to look and saw his mother's head explode into tentacles. This image galvanized him, and he leapt up and ran towards the reunion. He arrived just in time to see Hoss fire a blast from his hand cannon into his mother's head.

"Mom!" Irwin yelped, scared.

Dick got up, picked up his wife's head, and reattached it to her body.

"That's it!" Dick declared. "I don't care if you weirdos  _are_  my son's friends, we're gonna sue you for ruining my reunion!"

* * *

"And that's what you remember happening?" the judge asked.

Irwin nodded. "Yeah. So can I go now?"

The judge brought his gavel down. "No. Because I have reached a decision and am ready to deliver my verdict!"

"What?" Jeff asked, shocked.

"I wanted to question him!" Boogey complained.

"Yeah, me too!" Jeff said. "I have to get my clients free!"

"And I have to get them punished," Boogey said. " _And_  I wanted to make him cry!"

"What'd you say about my grandbaby?" Tanya said angrily as she stood up.

"Nothing!" Boogey said quickly. "Nothing, nothing at all!"

"Uh-huh," Tanya said, sitting down again. "That's right, you'd  _better_  not."

"Enough!" Judge Spleen said, bringing down the gavel again. "Seeing as I hate you all–and by all of you, I don't just mean the lawyers, and the plaintiffs, and the defendants, but everybody currently in this courtroom except for Gary–I sentence all of you to one! Full! Hour! Of listening to 1980s European synthpop!"

Screams of terror rose through the entire courtroom as a smirking Judge Roy Spleen and his bailiff Gary exited into the judge's chambers. Some of the more intelligent in the gallery tried to exit out the doors to the courtroom, only to find that they were all locked. The screams only grew louder as the seconds of silence dragged on.

And then the synthesizers started.

* * *

 _When monsters come to wreck your town  
_ _And you need heroes to rescue you  
_ _And the Super Friends just ain't around  
_ _Then Underfist will rescue you_  
It's what they do  
Oh yeah?  
Oh yeah.  
Oh yeah?  
Oh yeah.  
Oh yeah!  
Un-der  
Un-der  
Un-der un-der Underfist  
Un-der un-der Underfist  
When Underfist got sued one day  
They went and spent that day in court  
And had to listen to synthpop  
And now their ears they really hurt  
And Underfist's not free, oh yeah  
Oh yeah?  
Oh yeah.  
Oh yeah!

_UNDERFIST, GO!_

* * *

Underfist Babies  
Underfist: Easter Beatdown  
Underfist Teaches Traffic Safety  
Underfist and the Poorly Dubbed Anime DVD  
Underfist: Action Squad Miami  
Underfist: Trouble in Tokyo  
Underfist Versus the Dinosaurs


End file.
